Olympic Failure Committee Issues Findings

After just a few days, the committee formed by Minister for Sports, Limor Livnat, to examine the reasons behind Israel's disappointing performance at the Olympics, issued their first findings.

No Israeli competitor got even close to a medal this year, and so the National Committee of Enquiry was assembled, composed of a broad spectrum of Israelis.

Committee member Danny Zaken, chairman of The National Federation of Israeli Journalists,  said all of Israel's journalists unanimously blame Bibi for the mess-up. Zaken points out that when Netanyahu was Prime Minister for the first time (1996-9), Israel also didn't win any Olympic medals.

In response, the Prime Minister's spokesman pointed out that Gal Fridman won a bronze medal during the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta, under Netanyau's Government; Danny Zaken countered that Bibi always uses the absurd and underhanded tactic of using facts to win arguments.

Even though this year's most successful medal winners were the mighty nations of USAChina and Russia, Meretz leader Zahava Gal-On declared that the reason Israel was so unsuccessful is due to Israel being too large. "Large countries are clearly at a disadvantage" she stated. "Therefore Israel should immediately return the occupied West Bank, the Golan HeightsJerusalem, Central, Northern and Southern Israel. In this way, Israel will come to excel in water-based sports."  

Deputy Minister of Health, Rabbi Yakov Litzman, proposed that, in order for Israel to perform better in the future Games, a new sport should be introduced, the long distance daf turning. This will make other marathons look like a hop and a jump, as the daf-turning event takes over seven years and at the end of it all, there are no clear winners. Furthermore, unlike many of the events at the London Olympics, the Daf event fills up stadiums.

Yisrael Katz, Minister of Transport also suggested that Israel lobby the Olympic committee to introduce new games, which will favour Israelis. His recommendation was The Urban Car Rally. He reckons Israel will win a Silver Medal in this contest – due to the fact the British will probably win the Gold, as they are also fully trained in driving down the wrong side of roads.

President Peres added his stature to pour scorn on the existence of the Committee itself. "I do not consider   
Israel's zero-score on medals to be anything to be upset about. I am Israel's most successful and respected politician throughout the world, and in my whole electoral career I never won anything."
The Israel Olympic Failure Committee has established a schedule of future meetings: once every four years, until further notice. 


  1. When informed that there would have to be a women's daf turning event, Litzman withdrew his proposal. Saudia Arabia then seized the opportunity to say it will field a women's daf turning team when the Israelis do as long as they can have a mechitzah between the teams. They even graciously consented to have the mechitzah built to Agudath Israels noble and anti-Zionist standards for fabrics and stockings.

  2. The ediah charedis, while refusing to join the committee started rumors that it could field a superb rock throwing team as long as the target was a chiloni. In a major chidush they said the event should b'davkah be held on shabbos but would require halachicly Jewish individuals who were being m'chalel shabbos. however they conceded that they would not be on the Israeli team but on the Palestinian team. Mohamed Warfer of the Palestinian Olympics Committee, said thanks to our nobel anti Zionist favorite Jews but we have quite a few talented rock throwers of our own. While eager to incorporate the Jewish throwers he pointed out that his team prefers the event be held on Friday right at services at their mosques when their youth are more pumped up for the event.

  3. Yossi Beilin insists that Peres is a cheat and a party-pooper. Livni BTW is a dumb blonde. "You want to talk about never winning anything? I AM A CHAMPION LOSER! Listen to me as I am the expert on this: Israel should not have entered the Olympics. We should have created our own rainbow-colored logo, set the games in Tel Aviv and let people scream at each other about who is the biggest pervert on record. You want points? Score them while insulting Torah values (gold medals for intellectual obfuscations, bronze for deceptive votes by dead people and silver for undetected vote-buying). Degrade Orthodox Jews by making them homeless (the faster the better and the bigger the prize: Gold-embossed keffiyehs!, Bronze-colored Maps to Nowhere and silver spoons for stirring your Earl Grey tea with plenty of sugar), declare new political initiatives (the dumber the better) and win the GOLD: private unlisted phone number of Tom Friedman. Silver: auto-repair shops throughout the UAE, and Bronze shovels for digging your own graves - or someone else's. Call me at 1.800.BOGEDKOFERIKSA


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